7
When Did You Know?
This question was inspired after Andrew showed me the following:
At first, I was worried where the story was going, especially cos I found it hilarious and awesome that she would do that. I was relieved to find out it had a great ending, especially as my relationship has a lot of similar-ish stories.
So, what was happening when you realised you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your partner?
I’m not sure that this qualifies as the moment I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jules but it is what I always think of when Jules asks me when I knew I loved her. (This probably deserves a whole blog post to explain how we got together.)
We had spent four days watching ST:TNG together via twitter. Then we decided to switch to Skype. After watching many episodes, we ended up talking about what we really wanted in a hypothetical “romantic” relationship. At some point, Jules mentioned that what she wanted but never had was to be best friends with her partner. At that moment, I had this overwhelming desire to not only be friends with Jules but to be her best friend and for her to be mine. It was a ridiculous thought as we were just internet acquaintances but over the next few days and more long Skype conversations, I could not get the thought out of my mind. At the same time, I was thinking that there was no way that Jules had the same feeling. She talks to dozens of people everyday and this was just two people geeking out over Star Trek.
A few days later, I was walking my dog right before Jules’ Friday show started and thinking about her. I suddenly had this feeling in my chest. It made me think of this bit from ST:TNG:
It was Data’s “daughter”, Lal, talking to Deanna: “I feel it…how is this possible” and then jabbing her sternum, “this is what it means to feel.” I denied to myself that it was anything more than a crush but over the next week, I could not deny that I was in love. Lucky for me, the feeling became mutual. But, that is for Jules to explain.
It wasn’t one thing that made me realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jules but after a year and a half of being acquaintances, suddenly in two weeks going from friends to oh my god I don’t ever want to be apart ever.
After going out with him for 2 weeks. OK, it was the 70’s, and I remember lying on a friends bed telling her I was going to marry him. One of the reasons was that he didn’t seem to notice my disability, just held my hand and accepted me. He actually saved me, changed the crap in my life and loved me whole again. I just had an overwhelming feeling of complete safety and trust and knew he was the one for me. 35 years later that still holds true, he’s wonderful. He’s also annoying as hell at times, but that’s cos he’s only human.
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LikeDislikeIt’s hard to pin-point one moment when I realized I wanted to be with my wife for the rest of my life; from the very moment we met, it seemed entirely “right.” We clicked on many levels: physically, emotionally, intellectually. From dating to moving in together in college to getting married, all of it seemed a perfectly natural progression.
I suppose the moment that really concretized it for me was when we were in the local mall, passing by a jewelry shop. Tabitha pointed out a simple diamond ring, and then a special wrap that could be added to it: “I really like that.” There was no hesitation: I immediately made a mental note of exactly the ring, the shop and made plans to buy both the ring and wrap as her engagement ring.
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LikeDislikeI have been married for 13 years. But I wouldn’t call him The One.
I don’t know if I’ve ever believed in that unless surrounded by a delusional and hormonal haze. I have had at least four Soul Mates (Mike is one of them too). We may as well just rename them Sexy Time Panty Mates, but this is just my opinion.
He’s my best friend though. He’s got my back. I picked him out carefully. There were problems. It was a long distance, Internet relationship…and those were questioned a LOT more by friends and family in the 90s. we met through a church denomination though, we were like minded at the time. There was a spiritual aspect to it.
We have both changed a lot, separately but strangely together at the same time. We are both solitary creatures who need lots of space to do what we do and who have ever-evolving thoughts about love and relationships. We are also both very private. The one thing I can count on is that we will always be friends and on the same page.
It is because these feelings were there and in their infant stages while I was visiting him the first time in Australia (where he is originally from) that I “knew.” we’d talked big before, but I’d been hesitant. He decided earlier than me. I knew I was in love – but I love different people in different ways and that doesn’t make them suitable for marriage. For me, marriage was a life-or-death decision and I needed something where I could be totally open and accepted and free.
What cinched it is that my visa ran out, and I’d gotten used to him. I feel often that I need things or people; but I don’t really. But I think that if we had not made the decision to be together in this married way – strange though it may be – I would not be alive now.
That’s not very romantic, but we like donuts and I get to hang out with him at the cigar store and we have really good lives.
🙂
den
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LikeDislikeThat one’s easy. When he started to read Neil Gaiman’s, Stardust. I knew a man who loved books as much as I did, especially one who would read to me, was the one for me.
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LikeDislikeI’ve struggled to figure out how to respond to my own question because Andrew’s response was such a wonderful quasi “romantic” one–every time he tells his side of the story, I feel–and my side of the story is quite rational and logical.
As Andrew already stated, we were acquaintances for quite a while. After many late nights geeking out together over Star Trek and feeling very comfortable talking and sharing with him, plus feeling like a goofy teenager as a result of our interactions, we had our friendship agreement talk. In the same awkward fashion that was Sheldon asking Amy if she would be his girlfriend, I asked Andrew if he was open to the idea of changing our relationship label from acquaintances to friends, and exactly what that meant, both in the present and possibly in the future, and what each of our responsibilities are within the framework of a “friends relationship”.
Also, because a prerequisite for a “romantic” relationship is that I must be friends with them first, for a period of time, that possibility was brought up. At the time, my response was, “Well I don’t find the idea repulsive. Doesn’t mean it will go there. But the idea doesn’t repulse me. Do with that information what you will.” We went on from there with no expectation beyond the current friendship agreement.
Fast forward to what some may consider a short time later, but considering how much time we spent hanging out together, a lot of ground and time was covered. One night, we were watching The Princess Bride. We were goofing around like we always do, talking about things the movie made us think about in regards to how others behave in certain situations, laughing, having a good time, and also enjoying moment of wonderful, not awkward silence. As we were talking and watching the movie, my brain was loving the intellectual exchange. Part of my brain backed away and observed the situation as it was happening. It came to the realisation that it was experiencing the perfect moment and that it never wanted that moment to end.
Normally when I’m having to be social with someone, no matter how much I care for them or how much I may love them, I’m always looking at the clock, counting down to when I finally get to be alone and no longer feeling pressured into conforming to some social convention. I already knew I was developing feelings for Andrew, but I wasn’t really sure what they were, especially as, until Andrew, I never had “romantic” feelings for someone until they informed me they wanted to be in a relationship and I had time to crunch the data and decide if I thought it was something that was feasible. And here I was, feeling strong feelings for someone who hadn’t yet spelled out how he was feeling, even though there were a few subtle hints–I don’t do well with subtle; I need things spelled out for me.
Anyway, at that moment, I realised how completely comfortable I was with Andrew. I realised that I wasn’t counting down the minutes until I could finally say goodnight to him. I realised that I never wanted my interaction with him to end. In that moment, I realised I was in love with him. It was at that moment that I tweeted, “Nerd Love = True Love”. That realisation was a little unsettling as I don’t believe in being “in love”, which is a whole other topic. Things were not sexual. We were not yet in a “romantic” relationship. But in that moment, after analysing our interactions up to that point, I knew that no matter what form the parameters of the relationship were, I was in love and I wanted him to be my best friend.
Thankfully, within the next week, things became sexual and the relationship changed from “friends” to “partners” cos man oh man, despite not caring if the relationship ever developed into something sexual, he certainly had a way of turning me on without trying. There was a lot of sexual tension on my end of things.
Also, when we would later discuss how our relationship progressed, it was crazy how much we were on the same page, the entire time, without verbally communicating what we were thinking or feeling to the other person. I find that fantastic because I’m not one to just feel without knowing what the other person is thinking/feeling and then having time to consider it. But that is another story for another day.
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LikeDislikeYou may be talking rational and logical but I’m feeling happy seal clap giddy while reading it.
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